Scream

I woke up this morning and realized that... I had no clue what I was doing. The last week and a half has been one of the most difficult. With everything that I've had to endure I feel like I need to re-evaluate who I am and where I'm going. SO with that being said, I've decided to do some re-evaluating. I'm officially keeping to myself. Of course I'll call my sisters but other than that I'm closing myself off to everyone else. I'm sure people will want answers explanations (one in particular) and I will most definitely let him know. But I have a lot of changes to make and I know I can't make them if I'm not focused on everyone else. I plan on making changes inside and out and hopefully I'll come out better, not different, because I like who I am but I'm ready and I want to LOVE who I am. So, I'm getting back to me, my writing, my art, and happiness. Restoration.

Changes I plan to make are:
my attitude
my smart mouth
increase my level of self-esteem
-stop being afraid
-LOVE ME
-stick with the plan
-stop letting my hurt slow me down
-fix what I'm not happy with

Procrastination

I never got around to what I said I would do in the previous entry, but sitting here wide awake is now the time.

Each post will be enititled based on the song of the day for that day.

So here I really go...

Got to Finish What I Started

When I was going through somethings I took refuge in this blog, and in a notebook. It was my intention to take everything from that notebook and add it to this blog. The title even says that in an indirect way.

Well, I gave up on this blog because I didn't think that I could handle reliving all of those days over again.

The crying, and the breakdowns seem to attack my mind, body, and soul when I look at the notebook.

But I am stronger now and have a lot more stability in my life.

With that being said, my fall break from school is this weekend, and what better way to pass the time than by finishing what I started.

So, whoever is reading this, you are my witness. On this day, the 5Th of October 2010 I vow to input every single entry from that time period in this blog. With no changes, or left out words and sentences. No matter how it will make other people feel about me, I'm going to put it all here.

I'm a little nervous about this, but I have to do it. Release it for me, and me only.

Spring Cleaning

I need to learn to let things go... well, people and things any way... so today I started... I cleaned out my room like I was about to have a garage sale. Everything, well almost everything, any guy ever gave me I'm trashing it. Now, there are some exceptions to this, like the hoodies I love to wear so much, I kept one of those, oh and some of the stuffed animals. I kept a couple of those too.

Then, I took the liberty of cleaning my room like I always do. Dusting off my furniture, cleaning my windows... the normal stuff. I had a feeling before I started cleaning that once my room had a little more space in it then so would my heart. And that is exactly what happened. Although I'm not ready to dive headfirst back into life. I do feel quite a bit of weight lifted from my shoulders.

Hmmm, I finally figured that in order to feel less overwhelmed I need to clear out the things that are weighing on me. So I did, figuratively and literally. I believe I'm beginning to form a smile... hmmm sunshine.

The Problems

So... I'm wondering what's wrong with my show, there were quite a few bad acts but even the good acts had a few problems. I'm wondering if it was me... like seriously. People who cause problems tend to be surrounded by them.

SO am I to blame for the falling apart of my family. Was I supposed to step in and say to my dad that the cheating was unnecessary. That it would crush my mother and sister, that maybe it would make things much worse. And what about my sister, was I suppose to tell her that an attitude like that would get her into trouble no matter how much of the fav child she was. Or should I have clued my work obsesses mother in on the fact that her wanting to be at work rather than at home would a mother daughter relationship faulty.

What about my friends... was I not there enough. Myabe knowing that I'd do anything for them gave them reason to take advantage. Maybe they knew that becasue I was too nice to say no that they'd always call me first.

And relationships, lets not even get into that. I've always put my heart into a relationship, I mean who wouldn't, whats the point of having a significant other if you're gonna treat em like dirt. Hmmm I'm thinking that like my so-called friends dudes took advantage of the fact that I was nice... and it seems like the word to them is me cursing them. They get all pissy about... well from now on, it's a wrap, don't respect my response, they won't have to... they can all move on. I'd rather be single then compromise who I am.

I blame myself for the miscarriage... I should've taken better care of myself. That's my fault and I have to live with that, and as much as it hurts I know that when I am ready for kids... I will do all I can to do right by them.

(Exhale)

My Tears

I once heard that if there was anything you did not like about yourself, you should change it. And for years I couldn't, well I could have but I didn't want to, change it. I was afraid of the rejection that would follow. So, I continued to do what I had been doing all along. I faked it.

Fake it til you make it, I read somewhere... the problem is the only thing I've been making is tears. My pain became so unbearable all I could do was cry. My tears were my sign of weakness. A weakness that no one saw because I only cried when I was alone.

Thoughts of my Grandparents, my backbones, the people I want to be the proudest of me make me cry because although I have made some changes, I have still let them down.

I cry because I'm angry, and I cry because I'm hurting. But, I refuse to dwell on the past any longer because I can't do anything to change it. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I never listen. Why is it so easy to give advice but so hard to take your own?

What Now?

So, now that I've disappeared, what do I do. Where do I go. I mean, where do magicians go when they slide out of that box, or drop under the stage after they have a massive cloak thrown over them? What do they think about? What do they do? Is their adrenaline rushing so fast that they never stop and relax before returning to the spotlight.

I wonder if they ever wonder about not returning. Staying back in the shadows only to see how the crowd will react after there is no sign of the magician moments later. Does the audience up and leave without regard or do they stay hoping for the return of their entertainer?

Hmmm, I ask myself these same questions, because, I knew I wanted to disappear, the question is... for how long and what will I do to prepare myself for this new act that I am so ready to showcase. An act so raw and so real that only the true fans will stick around to watch AND participate while the rest of the audience attempts to quietly sneak out the side doors.

Well, here goes nothing. Lights, camera, no action. This show has been cancelled until further notice. Let the re-writing begin.