Friday, January 22, 2010

Spring Cleaning

I need to learn to let things go... well, people and things any way... so today I started... I cleaned out my room like I was about to have a garage sale. Everything, well almost everything, any guy ever gave me I'm trashing it. Now, there are some exceptions to this, like the hoodies I love to wear so much, I kept one of those, oh and some of the stuffed animals. I kept a couple of those too.

Then, I took the liberty of cleaning my room like I always do. Dusting off my furniture, cleaning my windows... the normal stuff. I had a feeling before I started cleaning that once my room had a little more space in it then so would my heart. And that is exactly what happened. Although I'm not ready to dive headfirst back into life. I do feel quite a bit of weight lifted from my shoulders.

Hmmm, I finally figured that in order to feel less overwhelmed I need to clear out the things that are weighing on me. So I did, figuratively and literally. I believe I'm beginning to form a smile... hmmm sunshine.

The Problems

So... I'm wondering what's wrong with my show, there were quite a few bad acts but even the good acts had a few problems. I'm wondering if it was me... like seriously. People who cause problems tend to be surrounded by them.

SO am I to blame for the falling apart of my family. Was I supposed to step in and say to my dad that the cheating was unnecessary. That it would crush my mother and sister, that maybe it would make things much worse. And what about my sister, was I suppose to tell her that an attitude like that would get her into trouble no matter how much of the fav child she was. Or should I have clued my work obsesses mother in on the fact that her wanting to be at work rather than at home would a mother daughter relationship faulty.

What about my friends... was I not there enough. Myabe knowing that I'd do anything for them gave them reason to take advantage. Maybe they knew that becasue I was too nice to say no that they'd always call me first.

And relationships, lets not even get into that. I've always put my heart into a relationship, I mean who wouldn't, whats the point of having a significant other if you're gonna treat em like dirt. Hmmm I'm thinking that like my so-called friends dudes took advantage of the fact that I was nice... and it seems like the word to them is me cursing them. They get all pissy about... well from now on, it's a wrap, don't respect my response, they won't have to... they can all move on. I'd rather be single then compromise who I am.

I blame myself for the miscarriage... I should've taken better care of myself. That's my fault and I have to live with that, and as much as it hurts I know that when I am ready for kids... I will do all I can to do right by them.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My Tears

I once heard that if there was anything you did not like about yourself, you should change it. And for years I couldn't, well I could have but I didn't want to, change it. I was afraid of the rejection that would follow. So, I continued to do what I had been doing all along. I faked it.

Fake it til you make it, I read somewhere... the problem is the only thing I've been making is tears. My pain became so unbearable all I could do was cry. My tears were my sign of weakness. A weakness that no one saw because I only cried when I was alone.

Thoughts of my Grandparents, my backbones, the people I want to be the proudest of me make me cry because although I have made some changes, I have still let them down.

I cry because I'm angry, and I cry because I'm hurting. But, I refuse to dwell on the past any longer because I can't do anything to change it. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I never listen. Why is it so easy to give advice but so hard to take your own?

What Now?

So, now that I've disappeared, what do I do. Where do I go. I mean, where do magicians go when they slide out of that box, or drop under the stage after they have a massive cloak thrown over them? What do they think about? What do they do? Is their adrenaline rushing so fast that they never stop and relax before returning to the spotlight.

I wonder if they ever wonder about not returning. Staying back in the shadows only to see how the crowd will react after there is no sign of the magician moments later. Does the audience up and leave without regard or do they stay hoping for the return of their entertainer?

Hmmm, I ask myself these same questions, because, I knew I wanted to disappear, the question is... for how long and what will I do to prepare myself for this new act that I am so ready to showcase. An act so raw and so real that only the true fans will stick around to watch AND participate while the rest of the audience attempts to quietly sneak out the side doors.

Well, here goes nothing. Lights, camera, no action. This show has been cancelled until further notice. Let the re-writing begin.

Monday, January 11, 2010


Without warning I was gone... just like a magician performing in front of hundreds of people I disappeared. But I didn't do it for the entertainment of others, I feel like that's what I had been doing all along. Entertaining people.

Entertaining people's thoughts and ideas, satisfying their needs to be listend to, being their shoulder to cry on. I entertained them with my responses to their constant never-ending bullsh*t problems that in my eyes weren't worth the stress. Yet I listened. Because I cared, and knew they needed someone to be there.

But when it was my turn entertain people, it was like being at a magic show when the magician is doing his played out card trick and all the audience wants is for him to disappear. So, I ended my card trick and immediately went to my disappearing act.

But why? Who wants to be unseen? It was like my whole show fell apart. My family broke first, constant arguing and door slamming. I bust my ass to help pay bills and in return I get, that's not enough, sonce when is $350 a month not enough when you have a good job? Huh, I don't get it. I am the lone ranger in my house.

My so-called friends, who I was there for no matter what, have become memories for, now when I need them they don't have time to listen. They'll talk, but won't listen. It was like what I was going through was simply easy to handle. Getting over the fact that your own family won't help you when you need them most is easy to handle, like a broken heart because love didn't love you back is easy to handle. Being robbed of another child must be easy to handle for some but for me, it was terrible.

So, what do I have left, no family, no friends... school. But even that seemed to slide through my fingers. I work my ass off to pay tuition, and I bust my ass in the gym everyday so that I could play ball in college. But as soon as things started looking up I realized that I all I could do was look. It was like my finger tips were brushing across the door into RU but I couldn't grab hold of the hanlde.

So with that, I gave up on trying to entertain people. They didn't want to applaud me, they didn't want to be there when the show ended. So, I thouhgt about what I needed. I needed change, I needed joy in my life I needed...I needed a whole new act

What I Believe

I believe that everything happens for a reason. The good things and the bad things, they all happen for one reason. I believe that people change because they don't know who they want to be. I believe I was one of those people. I know now that things that go wrong, go wrong so that when things begin to get better I appreciate the good. I believe that with every choice there is a consequence whether it be bad or good, I just have to be willing to make the right choices. But, making those choices isn't always going to be easy. I even believe that old cliche that if you love something you have to let it go, and if it comes back then... yeah I believe that. I believe that I trust no one because I accepted for so long the lies, but in the end it helped me to realize that I can trust no one but myself. However, I'm hoping one day that will change. And I strongly believe that what's to come is better than what's been, I'm just hoping it'll come sooner rather than later.