Monday, January 11, 2010


Without warning I was gone... just like a magician performing in front of hundreds of people I disappeared. But I didn't do it for the entertainment of others, I feel like that's what I had been doing all along. Entertaining people.

Entertaining people's thoughts and ideas, satisfying their needs to be listend to, being their shoulder to cry on. I entertained them with my responses to their constant never-ending bullsh*t problems that in my eyes weren't worth the stress. Yet I listened. Because I cared, and knew they needed someone to be there.

But when it was my turn entertain people, it was like being at a magic show when the magician is doing his played out card trick and all the audience wants is for him to disappear. So, I ended my card trick and immediately went to my disappearing act.

But why? Who wants to be unseen? It was like my whole show fell apart. My family broke first, constant arguing and door slamming. I bust my ass to help pay bills and in return I get, that's not enough, sonce when is $350 a month not enough when you have a good job? Huh, I don't get it. I am the lone ranger in my house.

My so-called friends, who I was there for no matter what, have become memories for, now when I need them they don't have time to listen. They'll talk, but won't listen. It was like what I was going through was simply easy to handle. Getting over the fact that your own family won't help you when you need them most is easy to handle, like a broken heart because love didn't love you back is easy to handle. Being robbed of another child must be easy to handle for some but for me, it was terrible.

So, what do I have left, no family, no friends... school. But even that seemed to slide through my fingers. I work my ass off to pay tuition, and I bust my ass in the gym everyday so that I could play ball in college. But as soon as things started looking up I realized that I all I could do was look. It was like my finger tips were brushing across the door into RU but I couldn't grab hold of the hanlde.

So with that, I gave up on trying to entertain people. They didn't want to applaud me, they didn't want to be there when the show ended. So, I thouhgt about what I needed. I needed change, I needed joy in my life I needed...I needed a whole new act

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